Last Updated on August 31, 2020

What if there were different ways to express love? By discovering your and your partner’s love language, you will no longer miss the mark when expressing your love. 

I have gathered ideas and techniques from various sources, including the ground-breaking work of Gary Chapman, which has helped many couples in understanding and expressing their love for one another.

Most of us grow up learning the language of our parents, which becomes our native tongue. Later we may acquire additional languages, but usually, it takes some study and attention.

It’s very similar when it comes to your love language. Your emotional love language and that of your partner may be as different as French from English. No matter how hard you try to express your love in English if your partner only understands French, they will never be able to hear and receive your love, and will never fully feel the love you offer, no matter how sincere you are.

LOVE IS A LANGUAGE

Usually, couples have different primary love languages. You tend to hear and feel loved only when your partner speaks your language. Your partner hears and feels loved only when you speak their language.

Since we tend to speak and listen in our primary love language, you might be getting frustrated because your partner doesn’t understand what you’re communicating. If you are not speaking their language, they will not hear and understand you.

So… Once you identify and learn to speak your beloved’s primary love language, you’ll have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving relationship.

First, Determine Your Own Love Language:

Discover your love language by asking yourself these questions:

~ How do I express love to others?

~ What do I miss and complain about the most?

~ What do I request most often?

Speaking in your spouse’s love language probably won’t be natural for you at first, but it will be worth it! Dr. Chapman says, “We’re not talking comfort. We’re talking love. Love is something we do for someone else. So often couples love one another, but they aren’t connecting. They are sincere, but sincerity isn’t enough.”

When we make an effort to speak in our partner’s language, they hear your love and appreciate the relationship more. Speaking your partner’s language is very likely the single most important thing you can do to deepen, strengthen, and make your relationship more intimate and satisfying.

LISTEN TO EPISODE 95 OF THE LOVE LAB PODCAST: FIND YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE AND IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES

1. Words of Affirmation.

When “words of affirmation” is your love language:

You thrive when receiving verbal appreciation. Verbal compliments or words of appreciation and gratitude are powerful communicators of love for you. 

All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. At times, you might lack confidence, which often holds you back from realizing and manifesting your potential in life. A little encouragement goes a long way and can help you cross mountains.

By sharing your needs with a kind request, you’re giving guidance and offering your partner the opportunity to enhance the quality of your life. It allows your partner to contribute, which brings you closer. 

If “words of appreciation” is your partner’s love language:

Set a goal to give your beloved a different heartfelt compliment each day for a month.

(NOTE: There are an art and science to giving appreciation, to be covered in future posts.)

2. Quality Time.

When “quality time” is your primary love language:

…then receiving someone’s undivided attention will go straight to your heart. Make sure you make time together, and schedule dates to do things together. 

Examples of quality time are:

  • Having your partner being right here, right now with you.
  • Sharing your thoughts and feelings while maintaining eye contact.
  • Simply being together for some time, focusing on one another.

If this is your partner’s love language:

Ask your partner for a list of four activities that s/he would enjoy doing with you. Make plans to do one of them each week for the next month.

3. Gifts.

Gifts don’t have to be expensive to send a powerful message of love, especially when “gifts” is your primary love language. 

The perfect gift or gesture shows that you are seen, known, cared for, and you are unique. Be open and share your favorite colors, styles, and things you want in life. This gives them a chance to contribute and makes it easy to make you happy. 

If this is your partner’s love language:

Keep a “gift idea” notebook. Every time you hear your partner say, “I like that,” write it down. Select gifts you feel comfortable purchasing, making, or finding, and don’t wait for a special occasion. Becoming a proficient gift giver is an easy language to learn. Gifts come in all sizes, shapes, and colors. Handmade or store-bought, the gesture of the gift is a symbol of your love.

4. Acts of Service.

When “acts of service” is your primary love language, anything that your partner does to ease the burden of your responsibilities will speak volumes.

You will help your partner express their love in a way you can hear it if you sit and share your needs and make a list together about the little things they can do to make you happy and feel loved.

If this is your partner’s love language:

What one act of service has your beloved asked of you consistently?  This is your clue to serve them as a lover. Discovering how you can best do something for your spouse will require time and creativity. 

These acts of service need to be done with joy to be perceived as a gift of love.

5. Physical Touch.

Holding hands, kissing, hugging, and making love are all essential to you if that’s your primary love language. Touch is crucial in helping you feel secure in your partner’s love. Be sure to make time in your day for contact, even if it’s snuggling at night or in the morning before you get up. 

If this is your partner’s love language:

While eating together, let your knee or foot drift over and touch your partner. Stroke your beloved’s back, hold hands or make sure you kiss your partner any time you leave the house. Make time to make love, because it will create depth and intimacy your partner craves, and strengthen their dedication to your relationship.

KEEP THE LOVE TANKS HIGH

After the first or second year of a committed relationship, when the initial “tingle” is starting to fade, many couples find that their “love tanks” are empty.

Dr. Chapman recommends that you have a “Tank Check” 3 nights a week for three weeks. Ask one another, “How is your love tank tonight?” If, on a scale from zero to ten, it is less than 10, then ask, “What can I do to help fill it?” Then do it to the best of your ability.

Still not sure about your love language? Take the quiz directly from Dr. Gary D Chapman’s site.